Those litigation-happy Americans are at it again. It seems that a group of rotund Empire State inhabitants are suing several fast food joints for serving unhealthy food. Consumption of the scrumptious morcels that those merchants sell has increased their weight, so the claim goes. As I see it, there are two main reasons why a person is overweight: you either have no willpower or you have a glandular disorder.

Some people are obsessed with eating, and sometimes rightfully so. However, if this obsession endangers your health then perhaps it is time to sit back and rethink your eating habits. If you don’t, it truly is your fault for succumbing to the siren call of Bill’s Burger Bonanza, not Bill’s offerings of grease-laden slabs of beef-like products. Ah, you say, but what about smokers suing the tobacco industries to compensate them for diseases brought about by decades of smoking? Isn’t this the same thing? When studies prove that a Big Mac is physically addictive, I will be right behind you in your legal battles with McDonalds. Until then, you’re just a fat slob with no willpower.

I will be the first to admit that not all people are overweight because they lack willpower. Glandular disorders exist which fail to inhibit the chemical signal to eat once the person is full, as described in this BBC article. However, like all disorders, special care should be taken to limit one’s diet once one is aware of posessing such an ailment. If you know your body can’t disable its signal to eat, then regulate your eating habits and your food intake appropriately. Diabetics don’t sue Nestle’s, Hershey’s and Coke for selling sugar-laden products; they either regulate their sugar intake or take insulin.

Of course, there’s always the third reason behind obesity: you’re a stupid, ignorant dimwit who deserves to die under your massive rolls of flesh. Yes, I mean you, Caesar Barbar, with your claims of “I always thought [fast food] was good for you. I never thought there was anything wrong with it.” (BBC: Fat americans sue fast food firms) I also include you in that statement, David Ingrams, the pudgy kid at Fremont High in Oakland, who attested “Junk food is good for the body. You can’t live without junk food in your life. Who lives on vegetables every day?”. (BBC: Junk food battle hits US schools)

What the hell is wrong with you people?